Tag Archives: Buddha

The Angels Among Us

23 Dec

I went to a Christmas party at Sunrise this week and saw a transformation take place.  My spirits were low when I arrived seeing Ernie sitting with his eyes closed in a chair in a circle around the Memory Care family room.  I couldn’t help but remember how active Ernie was the previous year for the Christmas celebration.  At that time, he danced with me and with the staff — with his great rhythm and energy.  Everyone wanted to be his partner!  But this year, there he sat, eyes closed, in his own little world.

Then, Jo Ann,  a vivacious entertainer, who volunteers her time to senior centers, arrived and began her magic.  As Jo Ann began pulling sparkling objects and bells from a basket,  greeting each and every resident with a hug, and starting the music, I watched as Ernie and all those around him came alive! Suddenly, my mood began to change, as well.  I sat and observed Jo Anne and the entire Sunrise staff  as they helped all of these dementia-stricken residents and their families smile and feel the love!  The true Christmas spirit was alive!

Ernie opened his eyes, sat up and  smiled a big grin — with an occasional giggle.  He reached out and touched my chin and nose a couple of times while the music played and others sang.  He showed an energy I had not seen in quite a while.  Jo Anne and the staff  created a festive energy in the family room which radiated around the entire center — even to those who quietly were sitting in their own “worlds.”

I stayed by Ernie’s side with my heart singing for both him and the others around us. The joy was contagious and I privately thanked  God for this transformation and for the staff who give their lives every day to those in need.  These special people truly are the angels among us and for them, I am so thankful!

At the same time, my heart sank with the realization that this moment for my husband was a “flash in the pan.”  Seeing him come alive again tended to somewhat hold me back from moving forward.  It gave me a false hope.  I have been working on “letting go” with Ernie’s serious decline but find my emotions and hopes resurfacing when I see what looks like life coming back!

This is in my life for some reason and one lesson I feel I am learning is what Buddha said:
Don’t dwell in the Past;
Don’t dream of the Future;
Concentrate the mind on the Present Moment.

These flashes are the real teaching moments.

I appreciate these precious moments and am especially thankful for these special angels among us who are here to give the love and support to our loved ones and who make a difference in our lives, as well.  They are our true teachers.

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The Clock is Running Down

6 Jul

Oh, how I wish I could wind the clock and help it to keep ticking.  Unfortunately, this clock does not come with a key, weights to pull, pendulum to swing, or a battery to replace to bring it back to life.  This particular clock is running down fast.

I feel Ernie’s time is coming sooner than later.  Yesterday, I felt it more than I ever did.  The change in his health is significant and has come on so rapidly — just as the Care Managers warned.  I didn’t want to believe that this day would come, but it is upon us.  I saw it with my own eyes, felt it in my heart, and heard it from my inner voice.  I saw it in Ernie’s eyes and felt it in his actions, as well.  Now, more than ever, I realize that each ticking moment counts.

My Ernie looked much like a little wounded bird when I arrived.  I saw him standing with a hunched posture, looking extremely thin and  leaning against a door — gazing into the family room of the Memory Care unit.  It was as if he wasn’t sure where he was going, why he was standing there or how he got there.  But, blessed as we are, he knew me when I walked up and put my arm through his arm and lead him to a quiet place for the two of us to sit and be together.   He sat down in a comfortable chair as I sat facing him on the ottoman.   Ernie suddenly surprised me when he pulled my face into his hands and gave me a tender kiss. We held hands and he quietly mumbled some words to me.  He didn’t giggle or smile like he always did but he knew I was there with him.  He focused on me for short moments and then looked off into an unknown space.

I realized, at that moment, that my Ernie is tired — I don’t mean from his lack of sleep, either.  He is tired of fighting the terrible monster of Alzheimer’s Disease.   This was the first time I felt his readiness to give up the fight.  My courageous, strong, wise, yet Gentle Giant looked so frail, exhausted and lost.  I laid my head down on his knees and gently squeezed his hands while he drifted off to sleep. I was afraid to let go.   I quietly but deeply began to weep  with my head in his lap.  This cry was the deepest cry I have had in a long time. Although terribly sad,  I felt safe being next to him and I knew that he felt safe with me.  Ernie was always the rock of strength in our relationship.  Now, I am his rock.  These are our precious moments together and I feel blessed that, in this space of time, the chime is weaker but the clock is still ticking.

 It is so challenging  for me to see such a proud, dignified gentleman wind down.  And I know it is the way of things ahead — for as long as it is meant to be. I keep saying my prayer thanking God for yesterday and today and knowing that, together, He and I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.  I am not sure when Ernie’s pendulum will stop and his last chime will ring but I know I’ll be there the best I can for every last stroke.